I Wish To Tell You Something
2016 Video Performance
Duration: 00:23:28
This video was performed as a meditation on self-censorship.
I am highly critical of my thoughts and feelings. It helps me be mindful of my internal processes, prejudices, attachments, desires, and emotions. However, observing each and every thought also means that I have to acknowledge my inner darkness.
Automatic Negative Thoughts or ANTs is a term used in psychology to identify naturally occurring negative thoughts. My relationship with negative thoughts is a complex one, and this video attempts to give visual form to an internal struggle.
The video presents myself sewing my lips shut over a painfully long duration. It is played out in real-time to emphasize a slow and challenging process rather than a short presentation catered for easy consumption. My hands are trembling through most of the video, and the expression's physicality is quite palpable. The camera serves as a mirror. The self presented in the video is understandably difficult to mirror; thus, it pushes the audience to face their discomfort.
*Viewer discretion is advised.
Despite the illusion of freedom, our existence is a constant negotiation between oppression and expression. Thoughts are neither negative nor positive. They get placed in a spectrum of duality when perceived through a socio-cultural context of ethics and morality. Ideally, people could think freely and imagine without restriction. However, there is an ethical question about censoring abject thoughts. What if a thought is oppressive? Violent? Grotesque? Immoral? How can we safely transmute such thoughts without necessarily demonizing them?
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